It will never happen to me!

I am a fiercely independent, determined, strong willed, single minded, capable person who chose their vocation nearly 25 years ago, as a gangly 13 year at school.  It took another 6 years before I was able to fulfill my dream, having failed the selection process for my chosen career once.  This failure did not deter me, it simply made me hungrier and more determined, I came back for my second two day selection process and passed with flying colours.  Yes it was easier second time round as I had an understanding of what was coming but I was also a year older, a year wiser and I had learned from my mistakes. This is how I've lived my life, if at first you don't succeed, try again, if someone tells you you can't do it, go and do it anyway and show them how capable you are.  This is just the way I do it


I had done it, I was in, as soon as I had my start date, 24th March 1997 (a date that will be forever etched into my memory) I walked into work, handed in my notice and left a few weeks later.  Yes I was sad to leave, sad to say goodbye to friends I'd made but this was a new adventure, the one I'd waited years for, I couldn't wait.

That was almost 18 years ago, I started as a very young, very naive 21year old with a 30 year career ahead of me.  30 years, it seemed like a lifetime, what possibilities lie ahead?  Promotion? Definitely, just watch me fly, there were so many departments to try, how would I fit it all in, yes 30 years was a long time but there was so much to see and do, nothing and nobody was going to stop me.

Fast forward to today, almost 18 years have past and there is no trace of that excitable, impressionable, wide eyed young girl, in her place is a worn out, fatigued, battered (both mentally and physically) exhausted, broken woman.  I can't tell you at which point along this journey this happened, if i'm honest it has crept up on me without me knowing or acknowledging it, little changes go unnoticed until one day your mind and body simply scream STOP, I can't take it anymore.  It is at this point that you can't ignore it anymore, you can't keep saying it will be fine, everything will be OK, because it won't.  There is only so much you can take and everyone has their own breaking point.

I have seen this in others, in friends, in colleagues, and as I watched and at times offered help and support all the time I thought, It will never happen to me!  Not me, i'm too strong, too capable I will never crumble like that.  How apt the saying "Pride comes before a fall"  I have never felt so vulnerable, helpless, embarrassed, ashamed  and weak.  I have never not wanted to go to work, I loved my work, I loved the job I did, the difference I could make to others, more often than not in their hour of need, that was until last week, something inside has changed, I suddenly cannot face going to work, cannot face the friends and colleagues only a week or so ago I shared a laugh and a joke with, this is more than just not feeling like going into work, this is an emotion so strong I have never felt anything like it, it is almost physical, the knot in my stomach, the nausea, the nerves, the shear panic and anxiousness.  I absolutely hate feeling this way, this is not me, this cannot be happening to me, yet it is.

I cannot get my head around these feelings at the minute, today I went to the doctors and for the first time in my career I was given a sick note, it read "work related stress"  How can it be that the career I've longed for, worked for and loved for so long can make me feel like this?

I don't understand it and am struggling to work it out, the only thing I am sure of it that these feelings are very real for me.  I know I am not the only one going through this, I know there are so many people out there going through so much worse in their lives but I can only deal with my, myself and I.

I have never shared my emotions, talking about feelings is for wimps right?  Well it seems not, so here I am, this is the first step of my journey.  I don't know where my journey will take me or who I will meet along the way but I have decided to write about it here, I hope this will be a good measure of how far I've come, who knows where I will be or what my life will look like in 12 months time, stick around and lets see what happens!

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I r