and so to pastures new

As I said the other day, I made it back to work, but my health issues and time away made me re-evaluate my future.  There have been so many changes in the years I spent as a police officer but I accepted them all, most needed to happen and those that didn't ended up back to how they started over time, however this government has changed the lives of thousands of police officers across the country.  We signed up for a 30 year career but the pension reform has meant that we have to work until we are 60, for me that meant a 39 year career as I joined at 21.  I had to ask myself do I want to be a 60 year old Police officer?  The answer was simple NO, this job is hard, it can be harder than you can put into words sometimes, the shifts, the hours, the conflict, the upset, the loss they all take their toll on the body and mind, so where did that leave me?

Well it is the only job I wanted to do, I have not formal qualifications other than GCSE's that are neither use nor ornament and I feel I am being pushed out of the job by the changes in the pension.So I made the decision to leave the police, it was probably one of the hardest decisions i've ever made, but once it was made my life change fairly rapidly.

As I have no qualifications I decided to take myself back into education, I have enrolled on a degree course at Bishop Grosseteste University in Lincoln which I started at the end of September.  It has been such a whirlwind, only 7 weeks ago I was a police officer, a role I was comfortable in, I job I knew so well, I here I am a student, surrounded by teenagers and those half my age, it is such a culture such, but I am loving it.  I have found a new lease of life.  I have come to the conclusion that life is too short, you only get one shot at so live it to the full, I know, I know how many clichés, but it's true, You really do only regret the things you don't do.

So my advice to anyone out there who feels like they are in a rut or at a crossroads in your life, take that leap of faith, you might not know where you are going but that shouldn't be the reason to stay where you are.

I started this when I was in a dark, unhappy place but I will continue so you can follow my journey as I go, it won't be smooth i'm sure but I know I'll love it!!

One year on.....where has that year gone?

I cannot believe a year has past since my last post, it had been my intention to write about my experiences over the past year but life got on the way!

I had hoped that getting things down on paper (or the computer as it is now) would have helped me process what was happening, but that really isn't me, I've found that what works best for me is working it out for myself.  With the help of friends and a good counsellor definitely, but ultimately I need to process everything in my head, by myself.

This has been really difficult because I believe that keeping emotions and feelings to myself created the situation I was in, but there is a difference between bottling everything up and not talking to anyone and knowing there is a problem, working it through in your head and then talking it through over a cup of tea and a slice of cake with a friend.  It was what worked for me, I know lots of people will have gone through a similar experience in their life and will have dealt with it in so many different ways, it's finding what works for you and working with it.

So after about 4 months on anti-depressants, some much needed time away from work and the support of a few amazing friends I am out the other side, I have been off anti-depressants for the past few months, I got myself back to work, but only with the support of my amazing boss, he gave me space when I needed it and supported me through the whole return to work thing, without that understanding and patience I would not have got back to work.  It is a very difficult process, returning to work, especially doing the job I did, you feel like everybody is watching you, talking about you and waiting for you to fall again, you need to be strong enough to get back to work, not fully back to your old self but definitely stronger than you think you need to be.

So back to work I went, it wasn't easy, it wasn't fun at times and it tested my strength and resolve to the max but I did it.

What happened once I got back to work?  I'll tell you later!

See you soon
D

A step into the unknown

Well things haven't improved, in fact they have probably got worse, having had a few days away in Centre Parcs I had hoped that would settle things down but it didn't.  I'm still not sleeping well so i've discovered that tiredness and anxiety are a fairly bad mix.  

I was back at the doctors on Friday and have been signed off for another two weeks and I've been put on medication, I had hoped to avoid that but I have to be realistic and if that's what I need to help me get better than that's what I'll do, I have been unable to get to a pharmacy until today so I have only just taken my first tablet, i'm very apprehensive about how it will make me feel but I need to try.  I thought the anxiety was only effecting me at work but today highlighted how wrong I was.

I should have been at work today and it would have been the first time my shift and supervisor would have found out about my illness, I have been too emotional, too embarrassed and too ashamed to speak to them to tell them, I have tried to pick up the phone but have had a complete wobble every time I do so I had to resort to emailing them.  I know it's the cowards way out but it was the only way I could do it.  Anyway that meant that my absence was no longer a secret, this did not make me feel better in anyway.  I had thought that it might be a weight off my shoulders getting this secret out there but it didn't.  I spent the first couple of hours this morning with my phone switched off and jumping out of my skin everytime I heard a car, I began to imagine someone from work turning up to see me, it made me anxious and on edge so needing to go and collect my prescription I got myself up and dressed and went to the chemist.

I pulled up at the chemist and was just waiting for a parking spot when I saw someone from work, not a colleague, not someone who would know I was off sick, just someone I regonised from work, this make me panic so I reversed out of the car park and went round the block, only now I knew there was someone I knew nearby but I didn't know exactly where, were they in the shop?  the chemist? or the doctors?  I didn't want to risk running in to them so I drove out of the village and decided to use another chemist.  I began to drive the few miles to the next chemist and began to calm down, as I approached a roundabout I saw a police car emerged from a side road and turned out the road I was travelling on, in the same direction as me so I slowed down, it was driven by one of my own shift, I couldn't see who but it was one of our cars.  I can drive around for days and not see a police car, I'm on a road I shouldn't be on trying to avoid someone and find myself behind my shift, I feel guilty enough for not being there and I felt that I was being punished.  I slowed to make sure I wasn't directly behind them and just as I am about to join the roundabout I can't believe my eyes when I see a plain car from another department pull onto the roundabout in front of me, I have a complete meltdown and drive in the opposite direction to the police cars and try and calm down. Why am I getting worked up?  What are they going to do to me?  I know it is not rational but nothing about the way I am feeling is rational.  I take a few deep breaths and try and decide what to do, where to go?  I can't believe my eyes when my phone rings and it is one of my shift.  My heart is racing, my breathing is shallow and I want to hide, I feel like everyone is somehow following me, taunting me. I find myself heading for a village a couple of miles away where my friend lives.  I end up having a cup of tea with her and calming myself down.  How has my life suddenly turned to this, panicky, nervous, feeling like I am in the wrong all the time, I hate it, I want to take some control back but I don't know how to.

I calm myself down at my friends and decide to go to Sainsbury's, I can get some shopping and collect my medication at the same time, it takes me 10 minutes to drive and I am on high alert all over the drive, i'm looking for police cars, what I'm going to do if i see one I don't know, hide?  I know how ridiculous this sounds writing it now but it was how I felt earlier.  I spent all of the time in the supermarket with my head and eyes down, not wanting to see anyone, I just never relaxed all day, this is not just work related stress this is effecting my whole like.  

I am determined to fight this and get stronger but the emotions I felt today were 100% real and I have not felt so vulnerable, so fragile for a long time, if ever.  I am a practical, rational person which is why I feel I am struggling with this so much.  I have never been one to share my emotions but this feels like it is helping so I will keep doing it, hopefully I will be able to look back sometime in the future and laugh about today, laugh about the irrationality of it, the absurdity of it, maybe one day....

It will never happen to me!

I am a fiercely independent, determined, strong willed, single minded, capable person who chose their vocation nearly 25 years ago, as a gangly 13 year at school.  It took another 6 years before I was able to fulfill my dream, having failed the selection process for my chosen career once.  This failure did not deter me, it simply made me hungrier and more determined, I came back for my second two day selection process and passed with flying colours.  Yes it was easier second time round as I had an understanding of what was coming but I was also a year older, a year wiser and I had learned from my mistakes. This is how I've lived my life, if at first you don't succeed, try again, if someone tells you you can't do it, go and do it anyway and show them how capable you are.  This is just the way I do it


I had done it, I was in, as soon as I had my start date, 24th March 1997 (a date that will be forever etched into my memory) I walked into work, handed in my notice and left a few weeks later.  Yes I was sad to leave, sad to say goodbye to friends I'd made but this was a new adventure, the one I'd waited years for, I couldn't wait.

That was almost 18 years ago, I started as a very young, very naive 21year old with a 30 year career ahead of me.  30 years, it seemed like a lifetime, what possibilities lie ahead?  Promotion? Definitely, just watch me fly, there were so many departments to try, how would I fit it all in, yes 30 years was a long time but there was so much to see and do, nothing and nobody was going to stop me.

Fast forward to today, almost 18 years have past and there is no trace of that excitable, impressionable, wide eyed young girl, in her place is a worn out, fatigued, battered (both mentally and physically) exhausted, broken woman.  I can't tell you at which point along this journey this happened, if i'm honest it has crept up on me without me knowing or acknowledging it, little changes go unnoticed until one day your mind and body simply scream STOP, I can't take it anymore.  It is at this point that you can't ignore it anymore, you can't keep saying it will be fine, everything will be OK, because it won't.  There is only so much you can take and everyone has their own breaking point.

I have seen this in others, in friends, in colleagues, and as I watched and at times offered help and support all the time I thought, It will never happen to me!  Not me, i'm too strong, too capable I will never crumble like that.  How apt the saying "Pride comes before a fall"  I have never felt so vulnerable, helpless, embarrassed, ashamed  and weak.  I have never not wanted to go to work, I loved my work, I loved the job I did, the difference I could make to others, more often than not in their hour of need, that was until last week, something inside has changed, I suddenly cannot face going to work, cannot face the friends and colleagues only a week or so ago I shared a laugh and a joke with, this is more than just not feeling like going into work, this is an emotion so strong I have never felt anything like it, it is almost physical, the knot in my stomach, the nausea, the nerves, the shear panic and anxiousness.  I absolutely hate feeling this way, this is not me, this cannot be happening to me, yet it is.

I cannot get my head around these feelings at the minute, today I went to the doctors and for the first time in my career I was given a sick note, it read "work related stress"  How can it be that the career I've longed for, worked for and loved for so long can make me feel like this?

I don't understand it and am struggling to work it out, the only thing I am sure of it that these feelings are very real for me.  I know I am not the only one going through this, I know there are so many people out there going through so much worse in their lives but I can only deal with my, myself and I.

I have never shared my emotions, talking about feelings is for wimps right?  Well it seems not, so here I am, this is the first step of my journey.  I don't know where my journey will take me or who I will meet along the way but I have decided to write about it here, I hope this will be a good measure of how far I've come, who knows where I will be or what my life will look like in 12 months time, stick around and lets see what happens!

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I r